my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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