Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
