so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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