I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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