Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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