i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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