oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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