I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
