found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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