Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
