My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
