i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
