I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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