I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
