Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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