She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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