Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
