I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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