I'm passing your future prison.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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