Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
