i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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