So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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