Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
