the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
