Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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