Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
