Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
