its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
