The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
