you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
