People in love make me want to vomit
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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