I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
