a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
