my phone needs a breathalizer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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