I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
