I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
