that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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