My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize