i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
