I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
