No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
