Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
