literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
