My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize