i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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