I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, beer. Big fan.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
