You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
