My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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