I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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