I got chris browned last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
