i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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