My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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