Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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