I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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