Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
