I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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