i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize