God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
