Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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