if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize