I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
