i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
