Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
