Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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