The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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