you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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