he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
