I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
