Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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