and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize